Of Hoping

Have you ever think why do you want to be pregnant?

I do..

..and I questioned myself.

Do I want to get pregnant because everyone around me are?

Am I want to be pregnant because I need to have my own child to feel my love when hubs and I arguing?

Does this have to do with giving my parents their own grandchild and my siblings a nephew/nieces?

Is it because people around me keep asking the same question?

Or this is what a women should feel/done what she gets married? And which law does say so?

I mean, do I really need a reason?

There's even people who thinks that I dont want to have my own baby. Oh wow..who are you anyway? and to compare my life of marriage to another person is such a big mistake.

I learn that life is not for comparison. Thus I do feel sad that my friends are (most) all pregnant and myself keep asking what is wrong with me. I questioned and talk to Him why did He do this to me. 

Is this another challenge that I have to bear because of my sins? Therefore I have to learn to accept and pleased with what ever He gave me? 

I feel bad every time I ask Him all of these questions and it makes me feel ungrateful for all other great things that happening to me. This leads me to think that He is the Most Gracious and Graceful to me for these years of my life. Thus I have to be patient and time is the healer of the grief soul.

There's reason why Allah plan it that way for us. By planning, it doesn't mean people have to stop trying. 

I checked and ensure my period is normal by hysteroscopy. 

I did my own research and read a lot of TTC (trying to conceive).

I did mengurut my peranakan and to found out that my womb located prior to the right. 

Done asking my gynea about having difficulties but she said we are still young and too early to predict that we have any problem. She said give ourselves two years and later come back. Really Doc? Hubs questions of her answer that to what extend that a couple should know that they have problem? They have to give it years to know about it and found out it's just too late?

Astaghfirullah. 

I feel like I am so impatient when writing this. To think back, giving ourselves time to conceive is also another option of having a baby. Looking at the bright side, all the efforts for getting pregnant provides me better sight of what's happening to myself.

Later probably any other option of getting pregnant. Detail health check up. iUi. IVF. etc.

The very least that I could do right now that I pray to Him with my every breath I take, that one day, sooner or later, He will give us soleh/solehah child that will help us at life after. 

"Wahai Tuhanku! Janganlah Engkau biarkan daku seorang diri (dengan tidak meninggalkan zuriat) dan Engkaulah jua sebaik-baik yang mewarisi". 

-(Surah Al-Anbiyaa', Ayat 89)

"Wahai Tuhanku! Kurniakanlah kepadaku dari sisimu zuriat keturunan yang baik. Sesungguhnya Engkau Sentiasa Mendengar (Menerima) do'a". 

-(Ali-Imran:38)

Hubs new hobby

I was surfing reading in the room while Hubby is playing his new game that he bought. I never check out what he buy for his x-box or ps3 but I am sure it is something to do with gun or shooting or at least some assassins thingy.

But I was wrong..

Baby and diapers?

He was dressing a baby with a diapers. I thought it was another drama in the game but no! He's actually controlling the remote and adjusting the diapers. 

I'm shocked. What kind of game that ask you to babysit? I'm sure this is not another The Sims type of game.

I wait for the game to continue and later he have to milk the baby - which I just have to capture :P

He's trying to explain but too busy focusing on his game and stuttered. I suppose he just found his new interest :P 

Things happen for a reason

We are on our motorbike to Prince Court for an appointment and was at Jalan Pinang to Jalan Kia Peng. There was a construction site in front on Convention Center and traffic was normal. Suddenly Hubby push his brek and we both fall down. I felt that I was rolling on Hubs and the first thing that came through it 'Ya Allah, janganlah Hubs kene langgar dengan kereta'

I suddenly feel the pain on my right knees and hardly walk up. I heard Hubs panicking asking am I okay but all I said is 'Purse.Purse' sebab takut kene curi. Haha. I don't even look up cause I am panicking. People nearby start to help us on our foot and I heard one of them saying 'Kereta tu himpit tadi'

I dont know if it's true. Hubs said he didn't notice either cause he remember that he brakes. I suppose the sands from the construction that cause this. We rush to the PCMC and I was crying  like 'Wuuuwuuu' ,literally >< (oh malu pulak bile tulis)

Hubs stops at valey parking and one of the person realize the pain I'm into and quickly grab wheelchair. My body is shaking and tears suddenly running through my face. He help us to the emergency room and been checked in to one of the rooms.

I don't even look at my knees but I notice some blood coming through. My top foot also have some wounds but it's not as hurt as my knees. I asked Hubby whether he's okay but he's more concern on me and said he's fine (later I found out he also have some small wound on both his knees and thigh).

Nurse told us that the wound on my knees is so deep and explain I will be expecting a terrible pain when she cleans it up. Ya Allah, tak cuci pun da sakit, so, go figure. I was sobbing when she starts the procedure but I didn't scream. I was gasping for air evertime she mention 'Tarik nafas yer' because I know she will dap the cotton on my wound again. I guess it helps me to endure the pain. She explain 'Ini air garam yer. Sakit ni' Then goes 'Antiseptic' My God! I feel like kicking but my legs was hurt remember?

The pain was horrible that my Tudung is wet for my tears. Hubs was worried and kiss me on my forehead every time she does that. It helps a lot. Maybe that is the strength to go though it.

Later the Doctor came and she was nicely said 'Ouu..you poor thing. It's okay. I know it's hurt. I am going to check your bones okay?' Ahh..such a soothing voice and I suddenly think of government emergency ward looks like. Probably I will get 'Ala..tahan la sikit. Sekejap je'

Alhamdulillah orang-orang PCMC so nice :)

She touch and press my joints and asking whether I feel anything despite the wounds but I have no other pain than that. She's glad and checking other parts, like my head and backbone. I pass the 'manual' x-ray :P

Later she talk to Hubs on the medicine and explain it to him and the nurse. She just stays for a while but her absence really gives a comforting feeling.

After the whole clean up and patches my wound, the nurse left for the documentation and to proceed with our appointment that we suppose to be at 10AM earlier. Hubs and I were talking about the accident and was laughing when I told him to help me with my tudung cause it felt so uncomfortable. He said I looked like this bibik =_="

Later we both feel sorry for our pants, bike yang baru ganti side mirror, his Hush Puppies shoes but still glad that all of those stuff can be replace. It's just the matter of money :P I was wearing my favourite Poppy pants and that was my second time wearing it. Bah... I looked at his shoes and it looks terrible with the stain on the front. Hubs said 'Kalau tak pakai kasut, tercabut jugak kuku tu' - scary =_="

Before dressing this morning

I get my 3 days MC for the wounds that I have. Probably because I couldn't walk straight and I insist Hubs to check himself as well but he's just too stubborn and acting cool about it. Sheeshhh..

All in all, I still feel grateful for this and when thinking that Allah wants me to rest for these long holiday, makes me feel He is just love me so much that He wants to keep things together (I'll explain later in the next post)

With regards to all the pain I have to endure, the hard walk that I have to take, not to mention when doing stuff in the toilet, I still have Hubs next to me - breathing alive. Things could go wrong at that moment but He saved both of us.

Thank you, Allah.

Rindu laut

April 2012,

cepatlah...

Source: Google

Opportunity and love

People around me noticed that I baked quite a lot recently and most of them said it is an opportunity to make some business.

That word.

Business.

You see, I baked because I love to and not because I have to. To reach the extend of enjoying baking so much that I can make money out of it, is still far away to go. But God want to test me when Kak Su (officemates) ordered my chocolate cake. Well, I occasionally brings some cakes to the office and after tried several cakes that I make, she wants to order for her sons birthday. I told her I dont make business but she insist want to buy it from me.

Ah well...what the hell.

Package from Bagus

To be honest, I feel the pressure of baking the cake for her and i dont feel satisfied as what I did before. I feel like making another one but I am emotionally tired to do it again. I bring to Kak Su and told her I give it as a gift but she insist of giving the money. Aih...I respect her and I accept it.

Well I could see this is an opportunity but I dont feel like I am doing it now. Probably later when we move to Kerteh and (probably I stay home - for a while) bake for small business. I still do love baking and making cakes but I love taking my time.

But one thing that I am sure that failure and pressure is not going to stop my passion in this area and I would love to name it as a hobby of mine. Complements and supports from dearly of mine keeps me going and I hope, one day, I won't let their hope fade away :)

ps: Recipe from here :)